The Paper | Calendar | |Businesses | Attractions | Nightlife | Resources | Gay Links | Home The Paper - September/October 1998 Anal Sex: It's A Good Thing by Marc A. Stuart, Contributing Writer The warm evenings of Indian Summer on the central coast make my thoughts turn to canning homemade preserves, starting holiday wreaths, and having anal sex. Anal sex isn't just for special occasions. By following a few simple techniques, anal sex can add just as much to that special evening as sugar-coated grapes or gilded candlesticks. a middle's perspective Having anal sex is a time-honored tradition among gay men. Until there is a college course on anal sex, however, many men will learn about it from what they see in pornographic videotapes. Sadly, most of the porno videos that I've seen leave out a great deal of the process. As my followers know, you don't debone a chicken by ripping into it with a butcher knife; the end product is much more appealing when time and care are taken, and your guests will appreciate it so much more. choosing a butt hand One of the less picturesque but necessary steps in having anal sex is deciding which hand you will use to loosen up the sphincter of your partner. The best way I've found to select a butt hand is to think about which hand you use to cover your mouth when you sneeze, and then use the other hand. You want to avoid any reflex that may involve touching your face or your partner's face with those fingers. Cleanliness is a good thing. two fingers first There is nothing worse than a top in a rush. It often takes five minutes or more to loosen the sphincter muscles of the man you are with. Be patient. Start with a slowly but firm massage of the area around the anus with a drop or two of lube. Tops should always keep their fingernails neatly trimmed. This is a basic rule. Next, generously coat your index finger with lube and gradually begin inserting it into your partner's anus. If you need to apply a great deal of force (think of pushing a cork back into a winebottle with one finger), your bottom isn't relaxed enough. When you can slide your finger in and leave it there without your partner's sphincter muscles clamping down, he's ready. I usually move my finger in a circular motion to help things along. A good top has a few tricks to relax their bottoms (usually some form of body massage). Straight people refer to this as "foreplay," which often seems like a foreign concept to gay men. Next, repeat this using two fingers. Once you can easily slide two fingers into your partner without him experiencing any pain, you can attempt to slide your penis into him. Again, a good top takes this slowly. He may need for you stop "mid-penis" to give him time to grow accustomed to the sensation. If you have a large penis, entering your partner while he lies curled on his side with one leg in the air is often the easiest position. Some tops may ask why I don't mention rimming (licking around the anus) as a relaxation method. Rimming is a known method of transmitting parasites and other diseases. While it can be effective when the bottom is well-washed and both partners know each other's medical status, I like to kiss my partners after anal sex, which rimming removes as an option for me. watch for signals Novice bottoms often are not aware of what anal sex should feel like, even those that watch public television. If your bottom starts to wince or shift away from you, stop and ask if he's feeling any pain. Other signs might include a quick breath or a grimacing expression, although the latter has sadly become confused with ecstacy in contemporary pornographic videotapes. the perfect angle When I first had passive anal sex, I didn't understand why other men pursued it with such vigor. With a poorly trained top, it was as stimulating as having someone thrust their pinkie into my ear for half an hour. Years later, I met an amazingly skilled top who told me that the secret lies in the angle of attack, with the prostate gland as the target. Like a good buy on antiques, finding the prostate can take some work since it is not in the same place for all men. A good top will bend, twist, or otherwise position himself and his bottom until his penis rubs against the prostate. A good indicator of success is a thin stream of pre-cum from the bottom's penis or the always welcome sound of squealing. tools of the trade There are two things that no pantry should be without: a good quality lube and a supply of condoms. I have found that Eros lubricant is excellent for anal sex. For a less costly option, try Wet Platinum which is also dimethicone-based, but a bit thicker in consistancy. For condoms, I prefer the Lifestyles brand, which come in a range of festive fall colors. Condom choice is a very personal decision, so try many before making a large purchase. These are the basic techniques that I share with my friends for having a pleasant evening of anal sex. Like reaming a lemon or stuffing a turkey, there are many variations to try. But, follow these simple steps, and you're well on your way to mastering the techniques that will make your anal sex even more memorable. Ingredients List 1. Fingernails If a man claims to be a top, you should always check his credentials. One example is his manicure. If a man's nails aren't neatly clipped, he's either a bottom pretending to be a top or just plain bad sex. 2. Alcohol Content Macy's has great white sales, but not enough to make it worth replacing the sheets ruined by an unfortunately timed bowel movement. Most bottoms are conscientious enough to take care of this beforehand or to ask that the top hold off on anal sex until he can go to the bathroom. Add a few drinks to this recipe, however, and common sense sails out the window. Another potential problem involves bottoms who eat a lot of gas-producing foods. Post-coital farts are normal, but sometimes they can be a tad pungent. Burning candles adds a romantic touch to the bedside, and can help clear the air. 3. Never Been to Me All good tops have also at some point been bottoms. Learn to equate "total tops" with bad sex. On the flip side, "total bottoms" often confuse their partners with their favorite dildo. 4. Rinsing Well If you are planning on an evening of casual sex, it is always a good idea to shower with your partner before retreating to the bedroom. A warm, soapy shower allows you to check for signs of venereal disease with the added benefit of being erotic and relaxing. Some tops choose to begin the relaxation of the sphincter at this point. Preparation Tips 1. It should never hurt I can't say this often enough. Anal sex does not hurt. Period. A bottom feeling a bit uncomfortable (like he needs to use the bathroom) is normal, but pain is never acceptable. 2. Safer sex always Both partners need to practice safer sex practices, especially bottoms. The majority of HIV infections among gay men occurs through passive anal sex. 3. The bottom is in control If a bottom asks for you stop, you stop-none of this "I'm almost there" foolishness. Pull out, apply more lube, and take a break before starting again, but only if your bottom feels like it.